Sleep-sence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

(This picture taken by the fabulous EmilyPie!)

In the first few months of Scarlett's life, I loved her--unconditionally, consumingly, completely. All that parent love stuff that you hear about, you'd throw yourself in front of a train for them, leap in front of a bullet, yadi yadi ya...yes, I felt it all, and more.

But, I realize in retrospect, I also loved her stressfully. This was probably due partially to my lack of experience, partially to my hectic schedule, partially to the fact that Scarlett was not the world's easiest baby...but my immense love for her was tangled up with fear and frustration. Fear that she'd derail me, fear that I was doing the wrong thing, fear that things would never get better. Looking back, I'm actually kind of amazed I managed to appear so together in my daily life--well, at least I think I did. The truth was that I was barely staying afloat.

Lately, I've realized, my love feels different than it did, and I feel different than I did...in both respects, so much more light-hearted, so much happier. I'm sure a HUGE reason for the change is that fact that Scarlett is sleeping (almost) every night from 8:00pm to 6:00 or 7:00am. Also, now that she can sit and crawl I can set her down when I'm doing something, instead of feeling paralyzed by never being able to put her down without her being devastated. Sometimes I can even read or email while, a few feet away, she babbles and plays with her toys!

Whatever the reason, I suddenly feel healthier, more flexible about dealing with whatever baby drama she throws at me, and more positive in my belief that I CAN have kids and a succesful career and do them both well. I had been doubting something that before I had never questioned: that I was born to be a mom. These days I love hanging out with my baby and playing with her, and eagerly anticipate rather than dreading uninterrupted days of Scarlett-Mommy-time. Her personality is just so darling and fun...even though she still has her little-devil side.

The hard thing about this new more peaceful love is that being away from Miss Adorable is suddenly so much harder than it ever was. Even when she was only a few weeks old--yes, go ahead and condemn me as an unnatural mother for this--I would welcome the breaks and welcome the chance to immerse myself in school stuff, where I could glory in feeling like a moderate moron instead of an extreme one. But, because I was still breastfeeing, I went back and forth a lot and was rarely away from Scarlett more than four or five hours at a time.

Lately, however, it's been more like seven- and eight-hour days that she's with my mom and I am hammering away on a computer at school. As my husband pointed out, suddenly full time daycare doesn't seem like that much of a stretch. And I am so lucky--I have the absolute luxury of knowing that she is with her Grammy who loves her more than anything in the world (her own kids included!) But suddenly I find myself calculating hours, creating an equation of Grandma hours vs. Mommy hours. I never felt guilty before but I do now--isn't that weird? I think most moms are the opposite--the younger the child, the more the guilt. I am torn between wanting to be my child's primary caregiver and also wanting to get to a place where I have a career that will let me give her a good life, make me happy, AND--I hope--make her proud of me.

This is still an intense time in my life. And I am still worried about my ability to find this balance. But, on a positive note, I want to try to use this concern to motivate me. My new goal is to find better ways to be a student AND a mom, better ways to use my time more effectively and get more out of every day with my little one AND my program. The best part is that the new well-rested me actually feels hopeful that this is possible.

Speaking of...it's time for bed!