Sad state of affairs...

I haven't been blogging much because, and this is slightly shocking for me, I just can't think of anything new to say. The baby is still not here and still not giving me any hope that she's planning to come any time soon. And it's like waiting for her is sucking all of my brain cells along with all of my motivation and any ability I have to create humorous situations out of every day life. And every day, as we creep closer to the BAD TIMING side of things, I get less excited and more stressed about how I'm going to handle full-time (actually overload) doctoral coursework AND an infant who just couldn't be a LEETLE early to make my, and her own, life a tiny bit easier.

Okay I know that's a bad attitude. I want this child so much I would welcome her anytime. But this is such a depressing time, this waiting period, days with nothing to do (and where people keep calling and asking if I'm in labor...NO DAMMIT!) that I was really hoping could be special, unshared time with my little Scarlett. Instead these days are passing in this haze of unproductivity that I can't seem to break out of, time closing in on a new semester where my baby won't and can't be the only thing on my plate, where she will have to share space with commitments and responsibilities I just can't set aside...

I am trying to think positive, I really am! I've even been spending a few minutes meditating every day, and every night before I go to sleep I say to myself, well, at least I get one more night of good sleep! (That was like when we were trying to conceive...every time the test came up negative I would say, well, at least I can have a few more drinks!!) But I am bored, bored, bored in my house all day. I miss the social contact of work, and the enforced productivity it engenders. At the same time, I can't make myself leave the house. I've watched every movie I own and read multiple novels and napped and taken baths and exercised for an hour every day on my elliptical, but instead of feeling pampered and relaxed, I just feel lazy and headachy and lonely (and the lonelier I get, the less I want to talk to people!). I am surfeited with my own company. I want to get out and go for long walks but the sidewalks are icy and the weather is rotten. It looks like Siberia out there today...close white clouds and heavy winds blowing the snow everywhere!

This whole thing is making me realize what a creature of timing and schedules I am. I've lost my excitement because I can't sustain it for indefinite periods of time! I need a concrete event to direct my energies toward.

So here's hoping my concrete event will happen soon, and I can get out of this funk, and come up with something better to say!!