We got the horrific news last night that a very, very close friend of my brother-in-law took her own life yesterday. I haven't known too many people to die in my life, and I have known even fewer to suicide, but I do know what a confusing melange of emotion it evokes. Sorrow...sympathy for those most affected, in this case my brother-n-law...confusion, lack of comprehension...guilt...and most of all anger and resentment. I know depression is not a rational thing (I don't know her reasons really, but I can't imagine anyone taking that action from a state other than depression) but to a rational person it is just...unavailable. Beyond some black curtain. I can't make my mind meet it. I just can't imagine how anyone could make that decision knowing there is even one person left in the world that loves you.
My husband was very upset last night when he found out--this is someone he has known for close to twenty years--so I came home from my class early to be with him. We sat in silence for awhile and held our daughter between us and I kept looking at her, at her perfect face and beautiful eyes and warm little body, and thinking that, years ago, this woman's mother held her the same way, loving her with all her heart, and dreaming her life where sadness happens but all the good things triumph.
If life were certain mothers could pledge never to let these things happen to their children, but it's not. It's not so I can only hope with all of my heart that my beautiful Scarlett, my sweet little love, will never, ever know that kind of wild despair.
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